


Amnesia

by Maaiika



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Gen, I Don't Even Know, I'm Going To Hell For This, M/M, Sad, Space Husbands, Timey-Wimey, much sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-08-07 07:15:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7705474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maaiika/pseuds/Maaiika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are some things you should say. There are some words you should never tell another person. And then there's the speechless Doctor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Amnesia

**Author's Note:**

> It took me a long time. But here it is. The worst of my Doctor/Master shipping hell. Delgado broke my heart. This is my first complete story in English. I am sorry and sad. And I will go to hell. Have fun :) (The song parts I used are from 5 Seconds of Summer - Amnesia... Uh, I think it was some cover music video, but... eh.)

_I wish that I could wake up with amnesia_  
And forget about the stupid little things  
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you  
And the memories I never can escape  
  
'Cause I'm not fine at all

 

 

“Oh, but of course!!“

 

The excited voice of the Doctor made Jo cringe.

 

“Uhm... wha... what's the matter, Doctor?” She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and took a short glance at the laboratory. They were still at UNIT, at least she thought so. Her back was aching but this was no surprise, given the fact that she fell asleep in a rather uncomfortable swivel chair.

 

It was completely dark outside. She wondered what time it was as the Doctor gave her a surprised look.

 

“Oh, Jo... you are still here?” He hesitantly rubbed his neck. A very obvious sign of his embarrassment. “Well then... can you give me a hand?”

 

Jo snorted enraged. “First you let me fall asleep, then you didn't even think of waking me and now you want me to help you? Doctor, it's half past eleven, I am tired, my back hurts I am definitely not in the mood to-”  
  
“I know, I know.” He lifted his hands and sighed. It was the first time that the young woman recognized his weary eyes. They weren't shining as always. They were, in fact, very dull.

 

“Jo,” he continued, “I am sorry, really, but this is... I have found something very amazing.”

 

Jo tried to calm down. “What is it?” In an instant she knew she wouldn't come to bed early.

 

“I am... not quite sure, but I think it can help us to-”  
  
“Doctor, really now... is it actually that important? Can't it wait? Do you really need me here?” She tried to look as tired as possible. Which wasn't very difficult.

 

The Time Lord surveyed her. By the time his upright posture crumpled, Jo knew she had won. He nodded calmly and Jo smiled indulgently.

 

“You should take a break too, once in a while. It will do you good.”

 

“Sure”, he mumbled.

 

“Good night, Doctor.” Usually she would have hugged him, but his voice made sure she wouldn't tonight. As fast as she could she took her coat. With little, quiet steps, she went out without turning back.

 

 

The Doctor sighed again, tired and heavy. He scuffled to the swivel chair and let himself fall downright into it. But the calmness wasn't granted to him. Some seconds later, he heard a TARDIS materialize. And he was quite sure, that it wasn’t his own.

 

“Oh, poor Doctor. Do your earth girls have had enough of you? Pushing and shoving them around like little dolls. Well... they are nothing more to you, aren't they?”

 

He stepped out of the pillar. His shoes didn't make a sound.

 

“What do you want?” The Doctor didn't even ask why he was here. He didn't care.

 

“Good evening to you, too.” The Master wandered around, slowly coming nearer. The Doctor could smell his poignant perfume. “Nice devise you got there. If I'm not completely wrong, it can receive radio waves, specified for Dalek fleets. Well well... the young Miss Grant couldn't value it. However, I can. Would you mind if I take this?”

 

“Indeed I would.” He turned his bored face to his long-life enemy. “And I am not asking again, why are you here and what do you want?”

 

 

The Master tilted his head. “Two questions, one answer. … Guess.”

 

 

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. “Come on. I am too tired for this game. We both know... hah.” He stood up and faced the Master's grin. “I already told you a thousand times. I. Don't. Want. To. Be. With. You.”

 

The Master folded his hands and nodded. “I know I know. But... just think of it. I don't ask you to commit crime. I don't want you to murder someone (even though he wouldn't care), I just want to rule with you. Ruling alone is boring. I want you by my side. See you everyday, every hour, every minute of my life. Forming the universe with our bare hands, spreading life, if you insist. We could free the planets from Daleks and other horrible, worthless creatures, we could-”  
  
He stopped, as the Doctor's face turned darker and darker. “You stop it right there”, he growled with clenched teeth, “you are really unbelievable. I have seen some boisterous Time Lords, some more dangerous than others. I faced Omega and Rassilon. But in my whole lifetime, I have never met a person, a living being, so extraordinary dumb like you. Your god complex is bigger than the universe itself,  _my dear friend_ .”

 

The Master took a step back.

 

“I don't think you could ever understand. I don't want to rule the universe. Not with you, not with anyone else. I want to be al-”

 

He interrupted. He would have said  _alone_ , but this wasn't quite true. The Master knew that, so lying was unnecessary. “I want...”, he started again. The Master waited patiently, but nothing would follow.

 

 

“What do you want, Doctor? Oh, this is indeed an important question.” He came back to the chair, sitting right where the Doctor has been minutes ago. He made himself comfortable and looked at the other Time Lord, who was merely confused.

“What do you want? You don't want to be stuck on this miserable planet any longer. I can see it in your eyes. You're bored and half dead. Like me, practically speaking. But even if I would come up with a generous idea how we both could escape, you'd stay here. You want to see the universe, not rule it. You hate the Time Lords, but our fellow friends are the only species who are able to keep up with you. You can't stand me, but”, his voice dropped to a deeper level, “you search for me. Non-intentional I guess, but... still, you do. What... is it what you want, Doctor? … Freedom?”

 

The taller Time Lord bit his lip. “Stop it.”

 

“Distraction? Simple entertainment?”  
  
“I said stop it.”

 

“I won't until I get the answer from your sweet lips.”  
  
Did he really just said that? The Doctor made a disgusted grimace. “You really should go back to Gallifrey. Maybe they can teach you some-”  
  
“I can't, did you really forget? I'm stuck here, like you, but I don't waste my time on humans to make my exile easier.”

 

“I am not wasting time!”  
  
“Really? Miss Grant seems to believe that. She has other interests, she-” His eyes were filled with contrived gloom, “she has a family and lots of other social constructs and concepts the human race has made up. I don't think she's happy to work with a stubborn alien like you. She has better things to do. The only thing you do is lecturing her day and night. Getting her into dangerous situations. Using her. It is no surprise she left you tonight. Just imagine all the things you do to her. Stealing her time, putting effort in devices and machines she wouldn't understand. Talking to her like she's a little girl. You give her the feeling she isn't worth your work. And, let me tell you, she really isn't. Why don't you work with me? Working with someone who completely understands you should make your stay easier.”   
  
This time the Doctor said nothing.

 

“I am no human. I am willing to do things they can't. With me by your side, you wouldn't have to wait for backup, you wouldn't have to hesitate. Together, we could fix the TARDIS. We could escape.” He lowered his voice. “I understand you. And, unlike them, I do like you. I appreciate your presence, I like your voice, I'd do anything.”

 

The Doctor was clearly struggling and it made the Master giddy.

 

Cautiously, he stepped closer to the Doctor. His left hand touched the Doctor's right shoulder. “Think of it”, he whispered. “Just us. Alone. No responsibilities. No human error. We would be... free.” His hand wandered around, caressing his neck and chin. “Oh, imagine all the things we could do.” His voice was soft and the Doctor couldn't tell if it was on purpose.

 

 

He smiled softly. “It would have been a lot easier to convince me _otherwise_.”   
  
“I did not want to.” The Master's face was leaning against his shoulder. His eyes were closed and his hands were digging in his velvet coat. “Tell me... what bonds you to this planet? I have to know.”

 

The Doctor sighed. “I don't know. It was the first place the TARDIS brought me to. I stayed because I had to. And now...”  
  
“You don't owe them. In fact, they owe you some things. But you should be free. A free Time Lord.” He buried his face in the wild mop the Doctor called his hair. “Come with me. Please. I beg you.”

 

The Doctor felt slightly dizzy. “Yeah. Imagine... I'd come with you. And then? What would happen? We would live in the TARDIS, we would argue and everything will start all over again, inevitably. Hating each other, fighting each other. We are just too different, you and I. One day we’ll end up killing each other. Again and again, I suppose. Do you really think this is a good idea?”

 

“... I'd say it's worth a try.”

 

The situation would have been a lot less tense if they weren't kind of... hugging. Holding onto each other, desperately holding the last thing they could call home.

 

“Maybe...”, the Doctor started, “maybe we could-”  
  
But whatever he wanted to suggest, the Master would never know, because in that exact moment Jo came back, panting and with red cheeks, dirty snow sticking on her boots.

 

 

“I am sorry Doctor, I forgot my sca... oh... my... err...” She almost fell. “Master! … What...” She was clearly disoriented. “S-Should I... I mean... I...” Stuttering, she went into the open TARDIS, grabbed her long scarf and came back. The two Time Lords had separated, looking both embarrassed and angry.

 

 

“What is he doing here? Doctor, are you alright?”

 

“I am afraid so, yes.”

 

“Miss Grant, I can assure you, my intentions are nothing but noble. I wouldn't harm him.”  
  
“No, of course not”, Jo snarled with sarcasm. She tugged her hair out of the scarf. She felt a strong and unpleasant ambivalence. On the one hand she wanted to help the Doctor, on the other she felt a strong urge to leave them alone. Whatever it was, they had to work things out. Many, many things she thought.

 

“I'd better be off then... uhm, good night... both of you.”

 

“Good night.” Just the Doctor had answered but she didn't care.

 

“Ahem.” The Master cleared his throat. “Maybe we should clear this up some other time. You must be tired.”

 

 

“Well, yes...” He wasn't, but he couldn't think of anything else to say.

 

The Master lowered his head.

“I understand.”

 

“Master, I-”  
  
“No, it is alright. Some things shouldn't be. Some things should be forgotten, don't you think? Pretending things just didn't happen... I know you are very good at that. … Farewell, Doctor.”

 

 

“Uhm... wha-, yes, goodbye.”

 

 

Not until the pillar completely dematerialized he noticed that “Farewell” was an odd phrase for the Master. He shook his head. Maybe the Master was just confused.

 

* * *   
  
The Doctor took Jo's advice to heart and went to sleep. The next day was just a normal day at UNIT. The Brigadier was in a hurry, the soldiers were bored and the Doctor was busy. Winter arrived with full strength. Jo wasn't upset and they both worked together as always.

Three weeks later everything was still the same and the Doctor began to wonder. Sometimes he believed that this one evening was just a nightmare, a theater his mind made up for himself as an obscure entertainment.   
  
  
He was drinking tea with Jo when Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart came almost jumping into his laboratory.   
  
“Doctor. We need your help. It is urgent.”

 

 

He smiled.   
  
* * *   
  
“Humans are disappearing all over the world?”   
  
“Yes. No one knows where they're going. They don't leave a trace. Nothing. We've run out of ideas.”  
  
“Hmh...” The Doctor was already ringing the changes. “Jo? Follow me.” Without saying another word to the Brigadier he went back several floors to his TARDIS in his laboratory.

 

Maybe, maybe maybe maybe it was him. Maybe he could tell him, what had gone through his mind, maybe he could make things clear.

 

Maybe this was his last chance to make things right.   
  
“Doctor, I know this question may seem odd, but... why are you so happy?”  
  
“Am I?”

 

“Well yes, you seem to. Is it something you... do you already know what happened?”  
  
“No, but I... suppose I do.” He fixed some wires beneath the monitoring desk. A little monitor started to beep. Jo turned around and saw some circular signs she couldn't understand. But they looked quite beautiful. Calm, but logical. They had a system which she couldn't decipher, but she didn't have to. It was a great feeling just looking at the circles and moving lines.

 

“What exactly are you doing down there, Doctor?”

 

“Helping. Ah, Jo, could you please bring me... this... thing... this... ah, you know, it's small, a bit fractured and... it should be outside on my desk, right next to the microscope.”

 

Without any further questions the blonde woman went looking for it. The Doctor had to admit, as naive as she sometimes could be, Jo was a wonderful human. A helping hand and a good friend.

 

He crawled out from under the desk and stood up. The monitor was still making noises. He gave it a short glance and froze.

 

It was a message.   
  
* * *   
  
  
“So... you received my message I assume?”   
  
“Who are you? And why do you let all those humans disappear?”   
  
It was an empty, shingly shore. It was cold, but the Doctor merely noticed it. In front of him stood a man. His voice was somewhat high pitched. Smaller than himself, dark, short hair and blueish eyes. His skin was pale and he had a painful familiar beard. He was clothed in a black coat with a golden adorned collar. He looked like a parody of someone he knew too well.   
  
“You don't recognize me? I am ashamed, my dear Doctor. And regarding those humans... I think, it's an old habit. Well, you have to excuse me, I am still in my  _test-phase_ you could say.”

 

“Cut it out now, will you? Tell me who you are.”

 

The strange man turned his face to the sea.   
  


“I have many names.”

 

The Doctor clenched his fingers. He wouldn't-

 

“Thascalos. Le Maître. Koschei. Choose one.”

 

It felt as if the air got colder. “No. No, you aren't. What happened to...” The Doctor couldn't name him, because it would have been a rather silly conversation. “What have you done?”

 

 

“Uhm, I must admit... I don't remember everything in detail. That's what happens, when you force yourself to regenerate. But he did leave a message. Well... _I_ did.”   


The Doctor couldn't believe it. He didn't even hear the last part that strange man had said. His mind was empty. Would he really go that far? Forcing himself to regenerate? Killing himself?

For what purpose?   
The man who claimed to be the Master gave him a little piece of paper. It was unembellished.

 

_To the Doctor:_

 

_It took me a while. Your patience is something I really admire you for. Then again, I admire you in many ways. I never told you._

_Thank you for sharing part of your life with me. I came to the conclusion that it would be the best to put an end here. You were completely right. We are indeed too different. And I find it hard sometimes to be your arch enemy with those annoying feelings now and then. So I made up my mind. And destroying them was the only option._

 

The text continued, but the Doctor didn't want to read any further. He glared at the Time Lord standing right in front of him.   
  


“Why did you do this?”

 

_The Master_ , though he hardly could think of him like this, shrugged. “I don't know. You have to ask him yourself. Oh, well, that won't be an option anymore. I'm sorry, but this”, he pointed at the little notice, “is all I got. At this point I am also clueless like you. I know who I am, not who I was.”   
  
The Doctor felt something he couldn't name. It was not very pleasant. He wanted to ask questions, but he knew the answers already. He couldn't undo it. A regeneration was one of the few solid things in a Time Lord's hasty life. And if the Master made sure he wouldn't remember certain details, the “new” Master really wouldn't be able to.

 

With an uncertain feeling he continued to read.

 

_I did anything possible I could have done. But the universe itself is not enough I fear. It isn't what your precious humans call “Love”, my dear. But whatever it is, I know you don't reciprocate my feelings. And this is fine. It's me who has to change, not you. And changing into someone else... I think I might be able to do that. I'm really good at this and I am quite certain that you are aware of it._  
  
“You little...” The Doctor couldn't even curse.

 

_This time it won't be a disguise. To be perfectly honest, I don't know what this forced regeneration may lead to. I know you lost some memories, but I think it was the High Council's fault. Well... the best thing would be an amnesia. Maybe I remember everything time after time, maybe next time I see your face I won't even recognize you... You wouldn't bother, I am sure._

 

“No... what made you think that... that...”

 

_Goodbye, my dear Doctor. I hope my next reincarnation will suit you better. You two will get along, I am sure, ... because... he won't have to struggle. He will be a complete new being without any flaws. Flaws I have tried to wipe out. I hope I was successful._

 

_Huh... this is quite unexpected... although I planned every bit of this... I feel kind of... … … … … no, it doesn't matter. Not anymore._

  
“No... no, go on, tell me, tell me!”

 

_Farewell, dear Doctor._

_May our next encounter be a good one._

_I hope to see you soon._   


 

“No, no! This can't be everything! This- There must be... some... some... anything...”

 

  
“Are you talking to me or is it just random babbling?” The Master looked at him as if he were dirt beneath his shoes. “Because if it is the latter, could we please go on with our conversation? I am determined not to waste any further time.”

 

“Is... is there nothing left? Of him?” The Doctor's voice was weak. He didn't care.

 

“What do you mean? Oh, I'm sure some character traits may have survived, but... I don't think I will keep them. You know, he had a reason to do this. And I will be the last person in this entire universe to turn his dead into a pointless act of desperation.” He snapped his fingers. “Well, I'd better be off then. There are some helpless humans to take care of. Goodbye, dear Doctor.”

 

 

“Wait...”

 

 

The smaller man hesitated, then turned around. “What is it? Come on, it can't be that hard for you. He wasn't your friend, let alone your partner. Why aren't you happy? He isn't a loss. There's more of me I can assure you.” He smirked, but the Doctor kept his face down.

 

 

“Could you... could you bring him a message?”  
  
“Doctor, I already told you, he's-”  
  
“Tell him”, the Doctor continued louder, “tell him... It would have been worth a try.”

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
